On Grief and Gratitude

Gratitude is a gift.  Thankfulness is a buoyant yellow buoy to cling to in the dark and unpredictable ocean that is grief.  Grace shifts our perspectives and offers tiny fragments of light shining through the fog.

Grief affects each individual differently.  Through my process of grief, I have experienced anger.  Far more than any other time in my life.  Anger at the Universe.  Anger at a God I have never even believed to be there.  Anger at my situation.  Anger at the world.  Anger towards and strangers and loved ones.  This anger is not rational.  It is primal and illogical and fierce.  It seldom makes sense, nor does it serve a true purpose, but it is there and I acknowledge and accept it’s presence in my mind.

I learned quickly not to fight the thoughts and emotions that come with grief.  It is a frightening and confusing process.  It shifts our presence in the world.  Transitions us into altered patterns of thought and behavior.  It changes who we are on a molecular level.

I will not fight this change.

For a woman who tragically lost her soul-mate on a family vacation, I am a pretty lucky lady.  I have parents who love and support me.  I had a home to move my children into when our life in Madison shattered to pieces.  I have strong and loving circles of friends throughout the world that have kept me afloat through food, favors, labor, money, texts, physical presence.  I have the financial security that Tim set up even without the knowledge that he would die young.  I have house plants and warm blankets and comfortable clothing and hot water and sunlight and stars.

While I cannot control the events that have lead me to this place, I can control the choices I make moving forward.

So I choose healing.

I choose progress.

I choose to continue to care for myself and my children with gentleness and warmth and compassion.

I choose to move forward with love, focus, and gratitude.