Gratitude is a gift. Â Thankfulness is a buoyant yellow buoy to cling to in the dark and unpredictable ocean that is grief. Â Grace shifts our perspectives and offers tiny fragments of light shining through the fog.
Grief affects each individual differently. Â Through my process of grief, I have experienced anger. Â Far more than any other time in my life. Â Anger at the Universe. Â Anger at a God I have never even believed to be there. Â Anger at my situation. Â Anger at the world. Â Anger towards and strangers and loved ones. Â This anger is not rational. Â It is primal and illogical and fierce. Â It seldom makes sense, nor does it serve a true purpose, but it is there and I acknowledge and accept it’s presence in my mind.
I learned quickly not to fight the thoughts and emotions that come with grief. Â It is a frightening and confusing process. Â It shifts our presence in the world. Â Transitions us into altered patterns of thought and behavior. Â It changes who we are on a molecular level.
I will not fight this change.
For a woman who tragically lost her soul-mate on a family vacation, I am a pretty lucky lady. Â I have parents who love and support me. Â I had a home to move my children into when our life in Madison shattered to pieces. Â I have strong and loving circles of friends throughout the world that have kept me afloat through food, favors, labor, money, texts, physical presence. Â I have the financial security that Tim set up even without the knowledge that he would die young. Â I have house plants and warm blankets and comfortable clothing and hot water and sunlight and stars.
While I cannot control the events that have lead me to this place, I can control the choices I make moving forward.
So I choose healing.
I choose progress.
I choose to continue to care for myself and my children with gentleness and warmth and compassion.
I choose to move forward with love, focus, and gratitude.