It is no secret that the past year has been a struggle. In this vortex/dumpster fire, “journey” if you want to make it sound nice, I have been forced to recon and reconcile with my deepest fears, insecurities and sorrows. A year ago, as I played in our shared backyard with my babies, as I walked the stroller to the playground and treated my little ones to ice cream, as I agonized over the challenges of motherhood and marriage, I did not know who I would become. I did not know the sadness, anger, numbness a person could experience. I did not know the choices I would have to make and the experiences I would have to face. I didn’t know how strong I was.
I know now.
I know there is so much I do not know.
Beyond raising/supporting my children and getting myself reintegrated, I have had two main focuses in the past year.
- Find, buy, and establish a home for myself and my children.
- Find or establish a meaningful job-career to support myself and my children.
These are the pillars on which I build the person I am becoming.
It has been 341 days since I sat on that couch in Brooklyn and watched the man I love slip away from his body and into the unknown.
I am becoming.
1.5 weeks ago I closed on my house. An exciting update for a separate post. An airy, open home filled with history and creative energy, built with good bones. Practical and dreamy. I am in the unpacking process. There is a lot to unpack. (Literally and figuratively…see what I did there? lollollol)
Today I sit in a hotel room on the edge of the ocean, at a conference surrounded by my Music Therapy colleagues. It has been years since I took the time to care for my professional self. 5 years+ since I last saw any of these people. My heart is filled with gratitude and my mind is filled with motivation. I have been waiting to go back to work as a music therapist and mental health counselor. I have been waiting to regain the emotional stability, clarity, and presence to support my clients they way in which they need. While I am not there, yet, I feel myself growing in that direction. I feel the deep love and support of my professional community. I feel the pull of my professional being urging me to read, do, learn.
And this is a very exciting. Because it means that I am on the other side of something.
I am able to look to my future with anticipation and for-thought. I am able to imagine who I want to be and the life I want to live with clarity. And I am not so naive to believe that this can all be carefully planned and executed, because life does not go that way. But I do know I can move forward with intention. With purpose. With confidence. With joy? And that is a gift I treasure. To have a future to move forward to.
Maybe this second life won’t be so bad after all.
Maybe joy can return.
My tree has been dormant and frozen. The buds are beginning to emerge. I’m still alive.