Once again, as every year, it has returned. The longest day. The light.
It always returns.
Summer Solstice is our annual celebration of the bounty the earth provides us, the light of the sun, the comforting cycles that bring us back to where we need to be. Reflecting on this day last year, I was in a dark place. The sunlight and boastful flower blooms were an offensive affront to the dark numbness that had eaten my core. My overwhelming sadness. The dark haze that consumed me. I could not see the light. I did not want to.
Today brings us back, one year later, and I have changed. I am in a different time and place. My sense of self and life and purpose slowly transitioning and emerging. I can feel the sun now. It feels good.
The week of the death anniversaries, I got sick. A horrible head cold that settled deep in my chest and left me lethargic and miserable. Then came a sudden pain in my shoulder, which migrated to my back, to my hip, to my foot, serving no purpose but a physical manifestation of the hurt I had carried stoically for the past year. Then it subsided, and I began to emerge a changed person. In the past weeks, I have felt happiness regularly. I no longer experience flashbacks, self doubt, tortured thoughts of the trauma I survived. My ideas for my future are becoming clearer. I can breath again.
Today, on the Solstice, I drove my kids to the Montshire Museum of Science 1.5 hours away. We played in the exhibits and stopped for treats at the King Arthur Flour Bakery. We stopped at my parents on the way home and filled my grandmother’s mixing bowl with berries from my father’s garden. Tomorrow I will attend a much anticipated music show at my friend’s barn venue.
I’m living my life. Moving forward with hope and intention. I don’t feel guilty for feeling good, I just feel good. There are times of sadness…many. But not as many as there were. Because I’m healing and growing and transforming. I’m capable of joy. I deserve happiness.
I’m getting there.